


it's not because of what he was wearing, asshole

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Series: janus & what happened with cp [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Dysfunctional Family, Dysfunctional Relationships, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Relationship(s), Past Sexual Assault, Religion, Sexual Assault, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:53:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27326860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: Janus overhears his mother saying it's someone's fault, and that they were asking for it because of what they were wearing.It really, really fucks Janus up.
Series: janus & what happened with cp [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1997083
Comments: 8
Kudos: 27





	it's not because of what he was wearing, asshole

**Author's Note:**

> TWS: BEING GROOMED (IT COULD BE SEXUAL ASSAULT BUT THAT'S WHAT I'M CALLING IT BECAUSE MAYBE I'M STILL IN DENIAL), BEING USED FOR ONE'S BODY (?), EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION, HOMOPHOBIA, RELIGIOUS TALK, POLITICAL TALK, JEALOUSY, SLIGHT VICTIM BLAMING (?)
> 
> (whew guys the tws on this one--)

It was no secret that Janus' parents definitely had their fair share of.. hot takes, and that Janus wasn't exactly a fan of it. 

Janus and his parents disagreed on almost every topic there is to exist in the world today, and either of them were particularly fond of speaking with someone who's viewpoint just isn't.. logical. 

To his parents, they were right in what they believed. 

To him, he was right in what he believed. 

While, yes, Janus does understand that people can have different opinions, it's just a tad infuriating when you try to tell someone that racism and sexism still exist today, that being either of those things weren't okay, and that ACAB and BLM weren't saying completely get rid of cops or that no one else's life matters because black lives matter, or that it's people's right as a human to get married and love who they want, and that person keeps denying and deflecting all your points. 

So, eventually, Janus accepted defeat and learned to avoid his parents as much as possible for someone who lives in the same house.

Janus's day could be completely ruined if he even saw his parents.

Dramatic, he's aware, but holy fuck you can't even blame him. 

As he was growing up, his parents started to get more and more.. unhinged.

They went from telling him bed time stories to yelling at him all the reasons why gays are going to burn in hell ( _except his dad used the slur_ ).

They went from asking him how his day was to plopping a bible down in his lap and despite his crying, made him read it, out loud, anyway.

( _To "teach him the real factual facts" because he once said he didn't think God existed, during a private conversation with his mother, but his father overheard and yelled at him for four hours straight, and now he had to read a stupid fucking printed fanfiction about some fucking dude he didn't believe in, and if he didn't, he'd get everything taken away from him. _

_At that point he was already dangerously suicidal, so to take away the things he cares about would be detrimental._ )

They went from asking him if he wanted anything from the store to getting mad at him if he asked for something.

( _He never got an explanation for that, except "we're low on money", which was bullshit, because if they were his dad wouldn't have bought two entire family sized chip bags and took his brother on a shopping spree._ )

They went from helping him with his homework to calling him useless and a disappointment when he got his first C on an assignment.

( _His brother never even gets C's.. he's lucky to get a D if he tries really hard._

_They never get mad at him for his low grades, and he's tested negative for ADHD._

_Janus only got the C because it was a science assignment that showed a skin diagram, and with his self harm addiction.. that didn't really sit well with him, as he'd been trying to get better._

_Not to fucking mention, Janus had to get surgery for something that's now lost on him, but he was in extreme fucking pain, and he could barely focus on anything._

_He'd gotten his grade fixed by turning in a doctor's note anyway.._ )

Point is, Janus and them just didn't get along with each other to good.

He was fine with that.

Even if he mourns the childhood he never got to experience ( _his parents changed while Janus was five_ ), the family dynamic he'd never get to have, the closest he'd never get to experience, the familial love he'd never get to feel, the things he'd never get to do, that doesn't mean Janus isn't perfectly fine avoiding his parents.

Janus was fine with his relationship with his parents.

That was, until that one day.

Janus had just been walking into the kitchen, to refill his water bottle, when he heard his mother say, " _she was asking for it, dressed like that,"_ her tone was venomous, nothing out of the ordinary from her. 

Janus's heart stopped.

**_"she was asking for it, dressed like that,"_ **

Janus was filled with rage and terror. 

Rage because he was infuriated with his shit for brains parents, how could they think like that?! 

No one is fucking "asking for it" by wearing fucking clothes! 

Even if someone was bare ass fucking naked, they aren't "asking for it"! 

It's the other person's job to control their fucking self, to not over sexualize something that's not sexual. 

Terror because that's what he'd feared, that he was asking for it, that he clearly wanted it, because if he didn't why didn't he do something about it? 

If he didn't stop it, that means he was asking for it, that he must've liked it. Janus's face hardened, and he speed walked out of the kitchen and back to his room. 

**_"she was asking for it, dressed like that,"_ **

It wasn't Janus' fault! 

It wasn't all his fault, at least. 

He was fucking nine years old when it happened, it wasn't because of what he was wearing. 

He was nine. 

He was gullible, naïve, stupid. 

He believed that guy when he said if Janus didn't send pictures of himself, he'd kill himself.

Janus cared about the stranger, so he did it. 

He kept doing it, and every time he was hesitant, the guy would be quick to remind him that he'd hurt himself if Janus didn't do it. 

" _Show more_ ," the guy would text. " _Naked_." 

Janus didn't want too, " _don't you love me_?" The guy would text. 

Janus would always reply yes, he and this stranger, which he now knew as CP, had built a relationship together. 

It was about three weeks into befriending Janus that CP started to.. ask, rather harshly, for pictures. 

For nudes. 

And Janus was only, well, at this point he was ten, but he was only ten years old. 

He was a fucking child. 

A kid. 

And Janus, being a little kid, cared about CP. 

So obviously he'd do whatever it took to please him. 

Even if that was stepping far, far outside his comfort zone. 

It was for CP, he'd tell himself, as he set the timer on his camera before posing in whatever way CP had told him to this time. 

It was for CP, he'd tell himself, before rubbing at his private part and setting it on video, just like CP had told him to.

It was for CP, he'd tell himself, as he sexted a twenty one year old man, while he was ten, despite CP knowing his age.

It was for CP, he'd tell himself, as he went into his bathroom, took off his shirt and rubbing his chest on camera.

It was for CP, he'd tell himself, after he was done talking to him for the night and Janus felt this icky feeling that he now realizes as disgust and discomfort.

It was for CP, he'd tell himself, after every time he'd been brought to tears because of how uncomfortable and disgusting he felt over sending those things to CP.

It was for CP, he'd tell himself, as he fell asleep with an ache in his private part, because of what CP told him to do with it.

It was for CP, he'd tell himself, as he pushed his homework aside to send pictures because CP didn't care that he was doing homework, because CP needed to see his " _princess_ ". 

It was for CP.

Plus, when CP told him to touch himself, Janus felt a warmth in his stomach, and when he told CP about it he'd praised him and told him what a good whore he was being for him.

When Janus would film those videos of himself, moaning and gasping for breathe as he brought himself to as close as he could get to an orgasm, doing with CP said.

CP only wanted him to feel good.

CP wanted the best for him.

CP was nice.

CP helped him.

CP helped Janus discover his kinks ( _a term he shouldn't have known at age ten_ ).

CP made him feel good.

CP would send texts pretending as if he was there with him, touching him, making him feel good.

CP would call him degrading names that made Janus feel amazing.

CP would give him praise when he did something that he was clearly uncomfortable with, which made Janus feel good, like he was actually good for something. 

Janus had turned eleven, and finally realized that he was transgender. 

He was too afraid to tell CP, scared of his reaction, so he'd just try his best not to cry at being called " _princess_ " or " _baby girl_ ".

He was completely disgusting with showing CP that videos of him touching his privates, though at that time it was more of a gender dysphoria thing rather than 'i shouldn't be showing myself like this to a full ass grown man' thing. 

So, he became less and less interactive with CP.

And CP didn't take it too well.

" _Why don't you like me anymore, babygirl_?" CP texted. 

Janus was quick to defend himself - of course he liked CP, he'd just been feeling weird lately. 

He told CP he was feeling a little sad, and that's why he wasn't interacting as much.

CP was pretty quick to try to comfort him, but after brief reassurances, CP was back in the mood.

" _You'd feel better if you make daddy feel better, right kitten_?" CP texted.

Janus wanted to say no, to block CP, but.. he couldn't bring himself to do it. 

So, for the second to last time, he sent more videos to CP.

The last scraw for Janus was when CP kept degrading him while he wasn't in the right emotional headspace for degreation. 

He'd asked CP to stop, if they could do this a different time, but CP said no.

CP just got more violent with his actions from there, typing out that he'd hold Janus' hands while he roughly fucked into his private and abused it, and even if Janus asked to go slower, he'd just speed up, making it unbearably painful for his poor baby, making Janus unable to do anything but scream and beg and cry while CP came inside of him, but continued to overstimulate Janus so badly that only when Janus blacked out would CP stop. 

Janus, being, what- 11 now, had quite the imagination, so he could perfectly visualize it. 

Janus was crying, telling CP if he didn't stop he'd block him. 

That got CP's attention.

He started begging for Janus not to leave, not to block him, but Janus did.

Not fast enough to see CP had sent one last message: " _I'll find you, and I'll abuse all your holes, I'll take what's mine. See you soon, whore._ " 

Janus was terrified everytime there was a knock at the door, and at every sound that was probably nothing, but for some seconds he was convinced CP found him. 

It took about five months for the door to ring without Janus freaking out.

After that, he'd kinda repressed the whole CP thing.

It was until almost two years later, when he got a flashback of everything he and CP used to be, used to do, used to act, everything.

And after that, Janus spent so many night curled up, sobbing, because of how trapped he didn't realize he'd felt like until then, because of how shameful and disgusted Janus felt after talking with CP, because of the threats CP would send if Janus didn't listen and do what he was told, because of CP.

Because of his memories with CP.

CP never did come to his house, never found Janus, but the fear he'd felt back then.. it was heartbreaking how a fucking child could feel that way.

Everything about the situation hurt Janus to think about.

And he'd been getting better at putting this CP thing to the back burner, because it was over and one now, no need to dwell on the past, he couldn't change it even if he wanted to, but that comment from his mother.

**_"she was asking for it, dressed like that,"_ **

It brought everything back, full force, but instead of just texts and videos, he remembered something else. 

He doesn't know if it actually happened or not, it could've just been a wild imagination while talking with CP, but.. he remembers, so clearly, his wrists being held against a headboard ( _not his_ ), and the feeling of his body on fire, and he quickly realized that a man, who's face was blurred, was pounding into him, ignoring his cries to stop, please stop! 

And even when Janus heard himself shout a word ( _which he immediately recognized as his safeword_ ), the man didn't stop, only went rougher. 

Janus was pleading with the man now, but he didn't stop. 

Janus feels the tears running down his face, and how his body shakes, and how he felt so helpless, so useless, so.. gross.

Janus was snapped back into reality, as the memory ( _was it a memory? it was probably a memory of his imagination.. he wasn't-- that couldn't have-- no-- he would've known before-- but it does explain why he flinched whenever someone touched him in any way similar to what that man (who's apartment, he now recognized as CP's. So, this man was CP..), and why he had a panic attack when his boyfriend put his hands between Janus' thighs, and why he couldn't see or hear the words "whore" or "princess" with being thrown into a panic attack, or at the very least, into some very dark suicidal thoughts. It would explain these things, yeah, but.. no. Janus refuses to believe he got-- y'know.. he didn't. He couldn't have. It's just his crazy ten/ eleven year old imagination.._ ) ended.

Janus felt like he'd unlocked something he's been heavily repressing, but, no. 

No. 

He didn't-- that's not what happened-- it's not. 

Janus didn't.. 

He curled up on the far corner of his bed and sobbed, the memories still fresh in his mind. 

'Fuck you!!' He thought, and honestly?

He couldn't tell you who that was aimed at.

**Author's Note:**

> whoops i'm actually surprised i didn't have a panic attack trying to write this (probably because i had a pretty bad one not even an hour before starting this but yk)--
> 
> (and for legal reasons no this isn't based off personal experience 😌)


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